


Nothing in our lives is normal (so why would this be?)

by Noth_lit_8



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: A kind of smut you probably haven't seen, Character Study, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gentle Sex, I wanted to see how Rachel would cope with having sexual dysfunction, Intimacy, It is smut but that's not why I wrote it, It still is tho so here it is, Not Beta Read, POV Rachel, Rachel likes to be in control, Sex, Sexual Dysfunction, Supposed to be a character study, Tenderness, Vaginismus, it's never beta read, not a surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 08:45:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12678447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noth_lit_8/pseuds/Noth_lit_8
Summary: Nothing in their lives is normal, so why would their sex life be?Rachel can't have penetrative sex, and what with being who she is, this fucks with her.But Tobias refuses to hurt her.Character study. Also smut, but that was not the purpose behind this fic.





	Nothing in our lives is normal (so why would this be?)

**Author's Note:**

> I have never seen a rated E fic ever where a female has some form of sexual dysfunction. To me, this is sad and pushes women who have some form of this further into silence. I've always related to Rachel, even when I was a kid. I grew up to have vaginismus, and I cannot have penetrative sex. Rachel was my idol growing up, so I gave it to her.
> 
> I did this for two reasons:  
> 1\. I think it would be something incredibly interesting for her character to have, and I wanted to study this idea.  
> 2\. I wanted to show how not being able to have penetrative sex can lead to a connection deeper than many people will ever experience and may never understand.
> 
> Enjoy. Please comment and let me know if there is anything else you would like to see. I want to start posting pretty regularly.

I had tried it all. I did everything the doctor told me to do. I did everything right. Use lube, relax your pelvic floor, spend a lot of time on foreplay, communicate, wait until you’re ready. Use more lube.

Nothing worked.

Not being able to have sex isn’t just about not being able to get laid. It’s about not being able to express your feelings for your partner in the physical way you may desire. It’s about not fulfilling a life experience that everyone is supposed to be able to have. One of the most basic female experiences is getting to have a penis inside you. And I can’t do it. I can’t do my part in committing an act that everyone gets to do. I can’t have sex.

Tobias told me it was okay. I knew he meant it. I knew he was okay with it.

But I wasn’t. There was something wrong with me, and nothing I was doing was fixing it.

_“Ow, ow. Hang on.”_

_“Rachel, let’s take a break.”_

_“No, no. It’s okay. Let me - oh fuck, ow.”_

_“Rachel, it’s okay. We don’t need to do this.”_

I had stormed off into my bathroom and cried. I cried like a fucking baby for half an hour, stark naked on the edge of my bathtub. And when I finally came back to my room, Tobias’ eyes were red.

This had been the eighth time. The eighth fucking time. The third time after my doctor had told me I had vaginismus. My muscles didn’t react in a way that matched my desires. “Just relax,” she had told me. “Just think about wanting it.” And I did want it. I wanted it more than anything.

Tobias had put his morphing bottoms back on, probably to let me know that he thought I needed to take a break. He had outstretched his arms to gather me into them. Probably to shower me with little kisses and terms of endearment, and “It’s okay. It’s not your fault,” on repeat. He just wanted to help me. He just wanted to take care of me. It was hard for him to express affection, especially in his human form. But he did it for me. Just because he loved me. And of course, that wasn’t good enough for me. I screamed at him to get out of my room.

After he had demorphed and flown away, I cried some more. I wasn’t the least bit mad at him. Dear God, how could I possibly be? But I was so fucking mad at myself. And at the universe. I cannot do one of the most basic feminine things.

I could become animals. I could talk to aliens. I could kill monsters. I was a warrior. But I couldn’t have sex.

* * *

 

I couldn’t bare to talk to Tobias for a few days. We had one meeting in the barn during that time. Missions. Killing Yeerks. These were things I was good at. This is what I could give 100% of my heart to, and I would crush it.

“I think we need to lay low for a week,” Jake said, sitting on a bale of hay, the center of attention. “The Yeerks are probably expecting us to attack the Pool soon, based on previous patterns. We need to catch them when they’re least expecting us.” Marco nodded, twiddling a straw between his fingers. Cassie looked pleased. Tobias, sitting in the rafters, had his inherently cold hawk gaze pointed towards me. I didn’t look at him, but I could feel it. Ax was poking at a rabbit in a cage near Cassie, and she gently directed his fingers away before they could do accidental harm.

I shook my head. No, this wouldn’t do. “Jake, what are you talking about? The longer we wait, the more likely they are to come after those government figures we’ve been watching.”

Jake leveled his head at me, expression cool and collected. “The Yeerks are directing most of their resources towards building the additional Sun and to defending against us. They won’t be able to do much damage in the next week.” He was being logical, and I couldn’t stand it.

I needed to fight. I needed to do something I was good at.

“You’re making a mistake! You’re going to let people become controllers while we sit around doing nothing.”

Silence followed. I knew it was a low-blow. Jake was always struggling between being rational and being compassionate. However, the former almost always won. That rational gene must have missed me.

Ax cut in. <Prince Jake is right, Rachel. When they begin to divert their energy towards the officials in about a week, they will let their guard down, and that will be the prime->

“Shut it, Ax!”

I knew I was being disrespectful. I bet it was obvious that something was wrong with me, but my asshole-ness was overriding anyone’s desire to ask me what was wrong. I felt Cassie’s wordless, gentle touch on my back, her eyes warm and knowing. Fucking Cassie; she always knew what to do.

I sat down on a bale of hay.

I tuned out the rest of the meeting. Next thing I knew, I heard the beating of strong wings, and Tobias had left, probably thinking it was what I needed from him. Upon examining the barn, everyone had left except Cassie. She was rubbing small circles on my back. I wanted to break down. I wanted to tell her how angry I was that something many people would find to be so shallow could break me in a way no one had seen me break. I wanted to tell her how weak I felt, and how all I wanted to do was show that I am strong.

Cassie let me go, and watched as she let me punch the bale behind me for a minute before morphing bald eagle.

I left.

 

I had purposely left my bedroom window open for my return. The past few days had seen my window closed because I didn’t want to see Tobias. I knew that I wasn’t making sense; he would want to see me and try to comfort me, as difficult as that may be for him.

Tobias usually hated morphing human. Despite having lived in his human body for years, returning to it made him feel clumsy and weak. But sex was an exception. I wasn’t sure why it was. Maybe it was all for me. Maybe he just did it because he knew I needed it so badly. Maybe he didn’t even want it.

These were all thoughts I had not yet found resolutions to, and I decided I needed to find them in peace.

When I arrived at my house, I flew in through the window and realized I was not going to find them in peace. Tobias sat on my bed, human eyes unrevealing as usual. He was in human morph. For me.

I almost turned around right then and there. I could take off and fly far away, waiting until I knew Tobias would have left. I’m sure he would have let me.

But I knew how hard he was trying. This was all for me. As much as I wanted to take my anger out on him, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do it.

I demorphed and wordlessly sat a couple of feet away from him on my bed, gaze locked onto the floor. Silence.

“Rachel-”

“Tobias, I don’t want you to comfort me.” More silence.

“I’ll leave if you want me to.”

“I didn’t say I wanted you to leave.”

I heard the soft catch of his breath. “Well, do you?”

I knew immediately the answer was no. No, I wanted Tobias here. What I didn’t know was what I wanted him to do. Hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do.

I sighed gently. “No. No, of course not,” I whispered. I tried to swallow my pride. “I just don’t know if I can look at you.”

A knife could cut the air that followed as I processed what I just said. “Wait, Tobias, that’s not what I meant.” That’s obviously not what I meant. It wasn’t what I meant.

I finally turned to face my boyfriend, and I wished I hadn’t. Tobias wasn’t looking at me; he was staring at the space between our feet. Tracks of tears ran down his cheeks, and his human eyes that usually portrayed no feeling were speaking volumes.

It infuriated me. How fucking dare he pity me like this.

I jumped to my feet and moved to back up against one of my bedroom walls so I was facing him. “Stop it,” I commanded. He was looking at me now. His face showed pain. “Don’t you fucking dare feel bad for me. I know I’m inadequate; I know there’s something wrong with me! I do not fucking need you pitying me, Tobias!”

He surprised me by quickly and somewhat clumsily rising to his feet, taking purposeful steps towards me. I watched as his face contorted slightly, showing there was something behind the pain: frustration. Maybe anger.

He stopped inches from my face. “You think that’s what this is? Pity? Rachel, I would never do that to you!” His upper lip twitched as though his face was trying to express through primitive instinct what he was largely incapable of normally expressing through body language. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever met. You are the strongest person I will ever meet. And I’m hurting you!” He shook as I stood in stunned silence, running his dialogue over. “You were so confident after the first time…You came back with all this knowledge, and you were so sure we could make it work. There are so many ways for me to help you, and none of them are working.” His tears began again. “Rachel, I’m hurting you because I’m no good at this. And I am so, so sorry.”

The fury had left me as quick as it had come, but nothing replaced it. I felt hollow. This wasn’t right. All of this was all wrong.

I left to sit back down. Tobias had yet to turn to face me, probably too ashamed to look at me. This was wrong. It was my fault. How could I let this beautiful boy think this was his fault? I tried to swallow the lump quickly building in my gullet. I tried to choke out my thoughts, but my mouth was too dry. I took a deep breath, and managed to sputter, “This isn’t on you. This is on me.” I must have gotten Tobias’ attention because he turned around and sat next to me, sincerity in his eyes. Love. Love for me.

I found all of my thoughts filling me to bursting. I was worried I might explode. “Tobias, I’m incapable of doing something that everyone else can do. My body isn’t matching my brain. It seems so shallow to be distraught over not being able to fuck someone, but it’s not that.” I clenched and unclenched my hands, trying to find the right words. It’s this deep-rooted desire to show you love in a way I’m not good at otherwise expressing.” I paused. “I can march into battle without a second thought and destroy everything that tries to touch me. I can do these absurd, crazy things that barely anyone else gets to ever do or would ever do, given the chance. And this basic, innate, human act is out of my reach.”

The automatic twiddling of my thumbs stopped when I heard the perfect human sitting next to me. “I love you too.”

Something in my chest swelled. I turned to face my boyfriend and took his hands in mine. He leaned his forehead against me, and I was relieved to see he had stopped crying.

“We’re thinking about this all wrong, Rachel.” I could feel his breath tickle the tip of my nose. “We’re thinking about...penetration...as this obligatory end to...intimacy.” This was clearly hard for Tobias, and it humbled me. He was trying so hard, and it was all for me. “I know you want it. Look, I want it too-” he widened his eyes to halt me before I interrupted. “But we don’t need it. I know you said you view it as something normal that you can’t do, but Rachel, think about it. Nothing about our lives is fucking normal.”

I almost coughed out a laugh. Damn right. My smile made one side of his mouth curl upwards. “You could make the argument that we’re missing out on something because of how fucked up every aspect of our day is, but I think our lives have the potential to be special.”

“Tobias, where is this all coming from?” I interrupted him. I had never heard him talk like this before. Was this all for me? He shook his head. “Rachel, why don’t we do something special with the cards we were dealt?”

I nodded. I half-whispered, half-choked out, “I think I get what you mean. I think that...we have some fucked up shit to deal with, but we can have a bond stronger than anyone else gets to because of it. I feel like...we have that.”

Tobias chuckled. “I feel that way too, Rachel.” To my surprise, he leaned in and kissed me, gently, lips slightly parted, moving rhythmically against mine. This was familiar. This was good. This was special.

When I felt calculated fingers delicately cupping my face, he pulled back, and I felt his other hand gently pushing one of my hips backwards. He swallowed, eyes darkening in a way I had never seen them before. “Do you trust me?”

I felt my body slowly being lowered to the mattress. “Yes.”

I wasn’t sure what Tobias was doing, but I felt that something new was happening. As I became horizontal, I realized I was giving up a kind of power I had always held in the bedroom. Tobias was on top of me. I never thought he ever wanted to be.

Soft lips earnestly pressed kisses to my temple. “Slowly, Rachel.”

Tobias made his way from my ear to my mouth. I thought I had learned all there was to know about kissing, but this was new. He was very clearly not in a hurry. He moved slowly and purposefully, the back of his hand stroking my cheek. I kissed him back in a new way I have trouble explaining. Feverishly, but with no urgency. Gentle tongues slowly sliding past each other. I found my arms wrapping themselves around his waist, and I shivered in surprise when I felt fingertips caress just below my navel, over my leotard.

One thing that never ceased to amaze me was how Tobias always looked me as though he was seeing me for the first time. His fingers moved from under my navel to the side of my hips. My legs squirmed, feeling a need already building between my thighs. It was bordering on uncomfortable. And this man had the nerve to raise the hand so close to my thighs, only to bring his fingers back up to brush the hair out of my face.

I must have shown my displeasure on my face. I wanted that hand back down there. But Tobias just smiled slightly and kissed me once more. “Easy, now.” Where was all this confidence coming from?

Finally, he slid both hands down my sides, causing me to shiver again. He rubbed at my hip bones and made his way back to my collarbone, toying with the straps of my leotard. This was when I noticed that his breathing had become deeper. He looked at me with dark eyes, and when I nodded, I slightly arched my back so he could more easily wriggle me out of my morphing suit. I watched, pleased, as his eyes widened at the discovery that girls don’t wear bras under leotards.

Every inch of my skin that became revealed was immediately peppered with kisses. Tobias kissed across my collarbone just as much as he kissed my breasts, despite my hushed moans when he kissed the rapidly peaking tips of each. My hips bucked, partially so he could slide my suit and panties over my bum, partially from instinct. My legs slightly parted, Tobias’ face only inches away from where I really wanted it to be.

I felt warm, deep breaths slowly, achingly slowly, approaching the tangle of curls between my thighs, and as I studied Tobias’s face, I could have sworn I saw him inhale deeply. Was he smelling me?

He was so close to kissing me where I could feel moisture pooling. So. Close. I spread my legs further, letting out a groan when I felt feather-light kiss on my center, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. Fuck this boy.

When his lips left the sensitive area and began to work on my thighs, I started to feel myself melting into the bed below me. _Slowly, Rachel._

Tobias kissed all the way down to the tips of my toes, causing me to instinctively let out a cry of laughter at the ticklish spot. I saw him beam as though music had begun to play, and slid up to meet my mouth.

As I let him explore my body further with his hands and with his tongue, I was overcome with the realization that this beautiful human was wearing entirely too much clothing. I tugged on the collar of the shirt with the hand that wasn’t currently running a finger up and down his spine, and Tobias took the hint, carefully pulling it up over his head. When he went to return to me, I shook my head, despite that I missed the body heat he had provided. He raised an eyebrow, and I lowered my head. He was right. We weren’t normal. We had our own little language.

Mesmerized, I watched my boyfriend remove his tight morphing bottoms and the underwear underneath. I marveled at the fact that although penises are aesthetically such ugly apparatuses, I had to push my fist into my mouth at the sight of Tobias’ cock against his stomach, tip flushed and leaking precum.

When he came back to meet my face and smother me with kisses on my neck and chin, I noticed how blown his pupils were. With lust. And maybe something more.

As Tobias hovered over me, I snaked a hand down with the intention to take him into my hand, but I felt a gentle yet firm grasp on my wrist, which was placed at my side. “No,” he said. “Let me take care of you.”

I bit back a moan.

We didn’t dare break eye contact as his hands traveled down my body, playing with my breasts. I felt as though if I were to let his gaze veer from me, my world would shadow. Tobias’ eyes and his sincere hands holding me where the only thing tying me to this world.

One hand reached up to cup my face, and when I felt fingers tangle in the curls between my thighs, my arms instinctively flew around his neck.

When I felt a single finger dip between the folds, I did something I had never done before. I whined. I whined desperately, which I was. It was mortifying.

I tried to hide my face in my pillow, but I felt Tobias’ gentle palm tilt me back up to kiss me. His finger kept working, now starting to move in slow circles around my clit, picking up the moisture I was making and creating the perfect amount of friction. It was perfect. It was beautiful, which is why I let out a dissatisfied grunt when he abruptly stopped both his finger and the fluid movements against my lips.

I opened my eyes to see what was happening, and was alarmed at my boyfriend’s intense stare on me, our eyes only inches apart. He mumbled against my lips, “I need you to try something for me, Rachel.” Try something? Anything. Anything for him. Anything for him to start again. I nodded vigorously.

“I need you to let me lead.”

My stomach dropped. He hadn’t asked me to give up control; just to give up the lead. But I had never let him lead. I mean, he was leading right now, but...but nothing, it was so good. It was so good.

Tobias backed away just slightly at my lack of a response, and I felt my heart clench. How hard was this for him? How hard was it for Tobias to lead me through this?

I closed my eyes and thought back to our first time.

_I tore off his clothes as though we were in some sort of hurry beyond the two hour time limit. As though if we didn’t do this now, it would never happen,_

_“Rachel...maybe we should....slow down,” Tobias had gasped out in between kisses._

But I hadn’t. I hadn’t slowed down at all. We rushed into it, and the pain was so intense. The pain…

“Rachel. Stop that.” I gaped at Tobias, who had pressed his forehead to mine and pressed his eyes tightly shut. One tear squeezed its way out of my eye. Why was I crying?

“I’m not going to go inside of you. Just let me...just let me try some things.”

And we both knew I would do absolutely anything he asked of me. He needed this. And I needed it too.

“Of course.”

No sooner had Tobias nodded against my head when I felt him kiss the tip of my nose, then dive back in between my folds, rubbing gentle patterns, lips moving against mine like he needed me to breathe. But I was the one who did. I needed him to breathe.

My nails raked along his back. When he slowed down his rhythm I surprised myself by biting gently down into the shoulder above me. Tobias slowed down even more in response. I licked at the bite to soothe it, not as though it would be there next time he morphed human again anyway.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t feel the need to touch Tobias like I had the times before. I didn’t feel desperate or hungry. I just felt needy, if that makes any sense.

My hand slid down between our bodies, and I reached at my center to coat my fingers in the wetness my body had made, before I ran a finger along the tip of Tobias’ cock. He shuddered into my mouth. “God…”

The precome he had gathered mingled with the slickness on my hands, and I started to slowly work my way from tip to base, then base to tip. Tobias groaned into my mouth, and I felt a jerk in my hand as well.

As both of our paces began to quicken, the hand cupping my face gathered under my back, arching me forwards, pulling me up to sit. Tobias sat too, not stopping even as we moved to our knees. Our chests flush against each other like this somehow made everything touch feel more intense, as though I had grown new nerves. One of my hands tangled at the hair at the base of his neck, tugging slightly.

Tobias buried his face in my neck as tremors wracked through his body. “Rachel, I can’t…” I stroked across his scalp and nodded, warmth and tension pooling rapidly in my lower belly, letting me know I was at a similar point to him.

“It’s okay to let go,” I murmured as I lifted his face back up, intent on being as close to him as possible as he broke apart. When I went in to kiss him, I felt this beautiful boy fall pliant against me, shuddering, my hand intent on pulling every drop of come out of him. Somehow it felt so good against my stomach. Kissing during an orgasm proved harder than I thought it would be, and I gave up, letting him breathe opened-mouthed against my cheek, dropping the occasional kiss.

My mind was starting to cloud when I felt the pressure behind Tobias’ steadily pumping hand against me threatening to release itself. Tobias peeled his face away from my cheek, knowledge in his eyes. Maybe I was getting rapidly wetter. Maybe I was shaking. (Scratch that, I knew I was shaking.) But he knew I was going to fall over the edge. “Do it,” he whispered earnestly, and I wasn’t sure if it was before or after I started to see stars.

My ears began to ring and my knees gave way underneath me when waves passed through my body in every direction. Tobias held me up, one hand under my ass, muttering something into my neck as I came. Something out my eyes. Something about my laugh. Something about the gold of my hair. I don’t know. I don’t think he knew either.

Tobias knew my knees weren’t going to work any time soon, so he set me back down, my hair sticking out from the pillow every which way, and rolled off of me, falling back beside me.

Neither of us had returned to normal breathing, and I didn’t expect we would soon. When I turned my rapidly-growing-sleepy-head towards Tobias, he was already staring at me. We gazed at each other like that for a while, until he leaned up to kiss my forehead.

“I refuse to hurt you.”

The words were still repeating themselves to me long after Tobias had flown away, and weaved their way into my dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments make me smile.


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